From fear to confidence – Bernice’s Story

Bernice and her two daughters are enrolled in our Adopt-A-Family program for the Holiday Project this year.

Bernice, 37, was introduced to HOPE Coalition six years ago through her therapist at Catholic Charities Counseling Services.  Bernice was married with two girls – then ages five and seven – and lived on a farm in rural Goodhue County.  Over the years, her husband had grown more and more abusive. 

What started out as verbal and emotional abuse early on in their marriage has escalated to physical and financial abuse.  He wouldn’t let Bernice get a job, make friends, talk to her family, or even leave the farm without his permission.  He wouldn’t let her have a driver’s license, and even limited their daughter’s participation in after school activities. 

Bernice originally started visiting a therapist to deal with severe depression and anxiety.  After confiding in her therapist about what was going on at home, her therapist suggested she begin attending the battered women’s support group.  The group was during the time her husband was at work, and free childcare was provided, so after working out transportation issues Bernice attended weekly.

Over the past six years, Bernice’s confidence has grown.  She is ready to leave her husband and start a new life for herself and her daughters.  Through the help of HOPE Coalition, she enrolled her girls in Kids Count, got her driver’s license in 2010, found employment at a fast-food restaurant, overcame her fear of the unknown, and began looking for an apartment of her own.  Statistically, the most dangerous time for an abused woman is when she leaves her abuser.  Bernice is taking precautions and has a safety plan in place. 

Although Bernice is currently working, paying the bills is still a struggle.  This past year, HOPE Coalition helped Bernice purchase back-to-school clothing and winter coats for her girls, provided a couple of gas vouchers for her to get to work, and helped her locate resources so she could enroll in on-line coursework through a local college. 

Bernice’s journey to safety is ongoing, but HOPE Coalition can help make her road a little easier.  You can aid this effort by participating in our holiday gift giving program for those in need.  Many levels of participation are available – from purchasing one gift to adopting an entire family.  For more information please contact Staci at 651-388-9360, x 19.  We truly appreciate your support!

Denise's Story

This story is an excerpt from "Why Doesn't She Just Leave?" compiled and edited by Heather Stark, MPA and Emiliee Watturs, MPA.  This book is an excellent resource for those looking to understand why women (or men) stay in violent relationships, and is available for purchase from Amazon.com.


Denise's Story


From the outside, it sounds so easy to just say go, get out, and leave.  But, you don't go.  The reasons are as varied and complicated as the relationship.  


For me, it was made worse.  Because it was the death of a dream.  The dream of loving and being loved.  I believed in forever.  


I would have to admit to failing,  No one wants to fail.


Guilt.  Knowing you are not perfect.  Having a mother who said this was your fault.  Her words were - you made your bed, you sleep in it.  You chose to marry and if you divorce him, you will go to hell.  Divorce was more shameful than anything.  What would people say?


It is your fault; he says so.  Your own mother says so.  But, it is not about you.  I was 21.  My daughter was a baby.


The biggest reason I stayed was FEAR. 


There was no doubt in my mind about how hard it would be to survive.  I am not talking about the day-to-day  taking care of life.  I am talking about the fear of my ex-husband.  Knowing he would stalk me.  Knowing he would find me.  Knowing anyone who helped me was going to be in danger.  Knowing I could be responsible for someone else getting hurt.  He was very clear about his intention of finding me no matter how long it took. He was clear about hurting anyone else in my life who tried to help.  He was very clear about my dad.  He would remind me that my dad had a bad heart and he would not be able to live through the turmoil.  


All these things kept me there for a long time.


I made a couple of attempts to get out.  I was able to talk him into letting me move to a new place and wait for him to move there.  It only worked for a day or two but it was a start.  That move showed me just how far he would go to control me.  He once drove from new York to Texas when I didn't answer the phone for 20 minutes!  It was ugly when he arrived.  I had no idea he was coming or why he was so angry.  Luckily, a girlfriend was there.  After she left, I ran out and hid until he calmed down.  It took 2 days.  


I can tell you exactly when I knew I was leaving, for good.  No deal making, no talking, no pleading.  I was crouched in a corner of our home, between the kitchen and my daughter's room.  


I was hiding a kitchen knife behind my back.  He was standing in front of me.  He was going to hit me, again.  I was the only person between him and my daughter. 


This was not the life I wanted her to know.  I loved her more than my life. 


I couldn't do it anymore.  I would rather be dead. That simple, I would rather be dead.  Dead was better.


It has been more than 30 years and I can still see his eyes.  I can still feel the fear.  


With the calmest voice I could find, I told him, "This will be the last time you ever touch me."  


Somehow he knew something was different.  After a few very tense minutes, he backed up and went to bed.  I spent the night in that spot. 


He left for work the next morning as if nothing had happened.  The second he was out the door, I got my daughter, ran to the car, and rented a truck.  


I loaded all my daughter's things - clothes, toys, bed, chest, and my clothes.  I remember the shoes I was wearing.  Black ballet slippers.  


A neighbor, whom I really didn't know, helped me with the bed and my chest.  I think he understood, but he never said a word.  I was so tired I was afraid I would faint.  I knew this was my only chance.  I had to be gone before my husband got off work.  


The last thing I did was stop by the bank and take out $500 cash.  Why $500 and not more, not everything?  I have no idea.  With my daughter, $500, clothes, toys, and a twin bed, I was on the road.  The journey began.


After 5 years, and more moves than I can remember, I was able to obtain a divorce.  his did not stop the stalking, the breaking and entering, the calls, or the abuse.  Even after he remarried he would still call, threaten, and break into my home, when he could find us.  


For almost 7 years I lived in fear.  We would move and hide.  Change cities, states, names. 


He would find us, break into our house in the middle of the night.  I would be hurt.  The police were no help.  By the time the police would arrive, it was over.  Orders of Protection were worthless.  His parent't couldn't keep him away.  My friends and family were long gone.  They had been hurt and couldn't risk it anymore. 


The fear was worse than I ever imagined.  


And then it ended.


He continued to abuse other women.  He was abusive to his second wife.  


His second wife divorced him. 


Then he killed his girlfriend. 


He hit her on the head while they were walking down the street.  He hid her body.


He served time for murder.


He says she made him do it.

A note from HOPE Executive Director, Kris Kvols

October is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month.  Domestic violence is a problem with devastating results and staggering costs. A 2003 study by the CDC estimated that domestic violence cost the U.S. economy more than $5.8 billion in a single year.  According to the World Health Organization, other studies have estimated the annual costs of domestic violence in the United States to be as high as $12.6 billion. The Minnesota Coalition for Battered Women notes that, so far, in 2011, 18 Minnesotans (15 women, 2 children and 1 man) have died as a result of domestic violence related homicides. In 2010, 28 Minnesotans (17 women, 7 children, and 4 men) lost their lives in domestic-violence-related homicides.

Ending domestic violence requires families, friends, neighbors, business owners and faith communities willing to get involved and provide a circle of support.  Our community’s response is critical both for victims' safety and perpetrator accountability. Victims must be provided the protection and support necessary to improve their circumstances.  Perpetrators must be held accountable for their violence and given appropriate penalties that require changes in their behavior.

From October 2010 to October 2011, HOPE Coalition provided services to 437 women, 112 children, and 77 men who had experienced domestic violence.  These services included crisis intervention, advocacy, support groups, safety planning, information and referral, and legal advocacy.  Of those served last year, 70 women and 80 children stayed at the Haven of Hope, HOPE Coalition’s domestic violence shelter.  HOPE Coalition outreach advocates assisted victims in filing 41 Orders for Protection and 15 Harassment Restraining Orders.

Please help us reduce the costs of domestic violence.  If you or someone you know is struggling with abuse, please call HOPE Coalition’s Haven of Hope (1-800-369-5214), the Day One Crisis line (1- 866-223-1111), or local law enforcement.  You can learn more about domestic violence by visiting the HOPE Coalition website (www.hope-coalition.org) or inviting a HOPE Coalition staff member to present for a group of interested individuals (651-388-9360 extension 11).

Sincerely,
Kris Kvols
Executive Director

Tonya, once scared and alone, would like to thank you.

Tonya, 26, married Jason after becoming pregnant. Jason is an abusive alcoholic, who verbally, physically, and sexually abused Tonya beginning the month after Olivia was born. Tonya found it very difficult to leave the relationship. “I wanted to stay for my daughter’s sake. I didn’t want her growing up without a father, like I did.” Tonya met with Staci, HOPE’s Outreach and Legal Advocate, and together they worked on a safety plan. A safety plan outlines a strategy to leave an abusive partner and covers the “what if” scenarios to help maintain safety. 

Tonya and Olivia are now safe, thanks to an Order for Protection signed by a local judge. With Staci’s help, Tonya and Jason were able to work out a supervised parenting schedule for Olivia. “I never knew who this person was inside me. I never felt whole. I am just beginning to start my new life – alone. But I don’t feel lonely because I know there are people like Staci who care about me and my daughter.”  

Faces of Homelessness Video

People in Fargo, ND and Moorhead, MN who are or have been homeless speak about their experiences in the communty and with homelessness. Women, children and men describe the trauma and stereotypes they experience as they strive to find what most of us take for granted.  From MCHP

Essential! By Kris Kvols, HOPE President

July 14 was a monumental day for HOPE Coalition.  Not only did the Governor and Legislative leaders reach an agreement which laid the foundation for a final budget and an end to the government shutdown, but Ramsey County Judge Gearin declared crime victim services a core function of government.  The day before, July 13, Judge Gearin declared transitional housing programs a core function of government.  Both of these rulings defined the work of HOPE Coalition (and other agencies like ours) as an essential service which should be maintained – even during a state government shutdown.

For HOPE Coalition, these decisions ensured that we would be able to keep our doors open and continue our services in the community.  Up until that point, HOPE Coalition’s fate was uncertain.  If Judge Gearin had not granted our programs the status of core functions there would have been no state government reimbursement funding for our programs for the duration of the shutdown.  If the Governor and Legislative leaders had not agreed to a compromise (albeit one that none of them liked) the shutdown was predicted to last into September.  The Executive Committee and I had begun discussions about how long the agency could continue to function before it no longer had the funds to pay essential bills and provide basic client services.  I was preparing to propose a date in August when HOPE Coalition programs would close and all staff (including myself) would be laid off.   This would have been devastating to the clients that depend on us and the agency as a whole.  Fortunately, the events of July 14 offered optimism for the immediate and long-term future as well.


Our Office of Justice Programs (OJP) contract for the Haven of Hope and Kids Count returned to its previous status and we will be reimbursed for grant expenses incurred during the shutdown.  This funding will remain constant through the end of September.  On October 1, our new OJP contract will begin.  At this point, the terms of the contract are not in place however, I anticipate that the collective cuts to our OJP funding will be about 11%.  Although this will definitely impact HOPE Coalition, this cut  was much less than the worst case scenario discussed earlier in the legislative session.  That would have resulted in a collective cut of 24%.


Shortly after Judge Gearin’s ruling, the Office of Economic Opportunity notified us that the Transitional Housing Program grant which expired on June 30 will be renewed for two years at the same rate as our previous contract.  The Judge’s ruling also insures that we will be reimbursed for expenses incurred during the shutdown when we did not have an existing contract.  I expect our new contract to arrive in the mail in another week.
The month leading up to the shutdown and the record 20 days of shutdown were a nightmare from which I am glad to awake.  Our post-shutdown reality is actually better than I dared to dream.  I learned a lot about the government, our agency, and our politics during the shutdown.  I’m grateful for the outcome and for the knowledge.  I sincerely hope I never, ever have to lead this agency through another shutdown.

As Liz Kuoppala, Executive Director of the Minnesota Coalition for the Homeless said to me in an e-mail, “There are good long-term benefits of this ruling, in my opinion.  It helps us to know the Courts have ruled that the services you and other homeless programs provide are essential services that meet a core function of government.   Hold your head high and know your work is appreciated by all three branches of government.”  She is right.  All of us at HOPE Coalition and all of you who support us in so many important ways should hold our/your heads high.  We already know this work is essential to the people we serve.   But now, after a shutdown that brought HOPE Coalition close to the edge, we have a court ruling and bi-annual budget that affirm the state government deems it essential as well.

A note from HOPE President, Kris Kvols

"We can throw stones, complain about them, stumble on them, climb over them, or build with them..."
-William Arthur Ward


The above quote was printed at the bottom of an e-mail message from a colleague.  I find it fitting for the situation and for myself.

On the evening of June 30, I listened to stone throwing rhetoric spouted by both sides when negotiations failed and shutdown moved from “looming” to “reality”.  I spent much of June complaining - about politics in general, what I perceive as a lack of regard for the impact on people we serve, and HOPE Coalition’s limited ability to serve clients during a shutdown. Last week I stumbled my way through the actual financial consequences of the shutdown and suggest courses of action for HOPE Coalition’s Executive Committee to consider.  For the remainder of July, with Board guidance, HOPE Coalition will climb over shutdown obstacles and guide our clients in doing the same. And, together with programs across the state, coalitions such as the Minnesota Coalition for Battered Women and the Minnesota Coalition for the Homeless will move from strategizing how to survive a shutdown to building new models for client advocacy, public awareness, and service provision during the shutdown and after budget cuts have been passed.

My sincere hope is that our Legislature and Governor will also find ways to move from throwing and stumbling on stones to building the state’s future with them.  If you have not already done so, please contact your legislators and the governor to encourage compromise that will allow Minnesotans to rebuild from the damaging effects of the shutdown.

Sincerely,
Kris Kvols
HOPE Coalition President