Children See, Children Do.

How do you view homelessness?

Gina didn’t realize it was abuse.

In November, 2010, a young mom named Gina came into HOPE’s offices for help.  Her husband had just been arrested and, although she had a job, her paycheck alone was not paying all the bills.  After JoAnn from HOPE’s Supportive Housing Services program spoke with Gina it became apparent that financial assistance was not all she was in need of.  JoAnn brought Gina downstairs to speak with Susan, HOPE’s Kids Count program manager.

As it turned out, Gina and her three children: Jared, 2 ½; Melody, 1 ½; and Bryson, 7months; were all being verbally and physically abused by Gina’s husband, Evan.  Law Enforcement was regularly called to their house, but there was never enough evidence to arrest him.  Gina told Susan that, although Evan was a “great dad,” he often screamed and swore at her and the children, and on some occasions became violent.  He had once broken her nose while she struggled to hold onto baby Jared.  She managed not to drop Jared, but he had witnessed the entire incident and showed signs of being abused.  He was behind walking and rolling-over, and now had trouble using the bathroom.  He was also beginning to lash out at his brother and sister – hitting and hurting them like he saw his father do on a regular basis.

During their meeting, Susan connected Gina with other service providers who could help her: Goodhue County Public Health, the Colvill Family Center, and the Care Clinic for Gina’s medication that she had been unable to fill.  Susan arranged for weekly meetings with Gina and has scheduled a time to talk with a case worker about her situation.  Because all HOPE staff members are mandated reporters, Susan encouraged Gina to call and report the abuse to Social Services while Susan sat with her for support. 

Kids Count will continue to serve this family through “Toddler Time” with the children and mentoring and parenting support for Gina – and possibly for Evan also, once he is released from jail in December.  Through mentoring, positive role modeling, and early intervention, it is possible for this family to break the cycle of violence and live a whole and happy life together. 

Sara felt scared and alone.

Six months ago, a 35 year-old woman named Sara called Haven of Hope’s crisis line looking for help.  Four months earlier, Sara’s boyfriend had convinced her to relocate with him from New Jersey to outer Goodhue County.  Sara brought her children, nine year-old Jonathan, and 15 month-old Olivia.  Sara had known her boyfriend, Gary, for almost ten years, and trusted him completely. 

Sara had been battling severe depression.  While three months pregnant with Olivia, Sara had witnessed her fiancé commit suicide by lighting himself on fire with gasoline.  After giving birth to Olivia, the “baby blues” had manifested into severe post-partum depression for Sara.  Gary and Sara’s fiancé had been best friends, and in the weeks following that tragic event Gary had been very supportive and understanding.  Gary had been previously married and had lived in Minnesota for 19 years.  After a few months of dating, Gary talked Sara into moving back to Minnesota with him.  He was very persuasive and paid for all of her moving expenses. 

After two months in Minnesota, Gary began pressuring Sara to marry him.  Sara soon discovered that Gary was not a U.S. citizen and needed to be married within two months in order to remain in the United States.  Sara felt used and betrayed.  When she refused him, Gary became abusive and belligerent, and threatened to kick her and her two children out of his house.

Sara had no friends, no family, and no support here in Minnesota.  She was frightened for her own safety, and the safety of her two children.  Gary was a body builder, and worked at both a health spa as a personal trainer and at a group home for the learning disabled.  He was very well known and well liked in his community.  He boasted to Sara that he “knew all of the local cops” and dared her to call 9-1-1 when he gave her a black eye.  When Sara finally gained enough courage to call the police, they told her that because she was not on the lease, she would have to be the one to leave…and that was when she called Haven of Hope.

Upon her arrival, she was matched up with her own personal advocate.  For the first time in months, Sara felt safe.  She was surrounded by people who were there to listen, support, and guide her in choosing a path that was best for her family.  Staff at the Haven helped Sara enroll her children in school and HOPE’s kids support group, and Sara herself became a regular at the weekly women’s support group.  With the help of her advocate, she found a counselor at Goodhue County Mental Health, and is successfully managing her depression.  Sara has now secured a job and an affordable two-bedroom apartment in Zumbrota. 

“This is the first time that I have felt safe, at home, and loved just as I am.  I thank my new “family” for helping me find my way to a whole new life!”

 – Sara, 35

There are many stories like Sara’s.  For every Sara we help, there are 10 more living in our community, too scared or ashamed to seek help. 

Aiden was afraid to call 9-1-1.

Aiden is eight years old.  He has two sisters; one older, and one younger.  He has lived in eight apartments and in two different domestic violence shelters.  His Mom and Dad fight and yell pretty much every day.  He tells us, “When I grow up, I want to be a police officer!  Know why I wanna’ be a police officer?  Because then I can see my Dad… he’s in jail…he’s always in jail.” 

Aiden was a toddler when we started working with him and his family.  At first, we took baby steps - gaining his trust and teaching him basic skills to stay safe.  We knew he said he wanted to be a police officer, yet when it came right down to it, he was deathly afraid of them – after all they were the ones who “took” his Dad.  They were the ones that showed up with guns.  They were the “bad guys”.  Aiden’s Dad had threatened that the cops would lock Aiden up if he didn’t listen. “The cops will get you” is what he was told, and he believed it. 

One HOPE’s Kids Count program goals is to teach safety planning to all the kids they serve.  How did they manage do this with this boy – who was so afraid that he flinched when he heard police sirens and tried to hide when we drove past police cars?   HOPE’s Kids Advocates took it one step at a time.  They gained his trust by showing him that they were people he could confide in, laugh with, and play with.  They went trick-or-treating at a police officer’s house, invited police officers to support group, and got the local police department to donate a bike for Aiden - and made sure he knew that a “cop” gave it to him.  The Advocates showed him that police officers were safe people, and eventually Aiden’s fear of cops lessened enough that when asked if he wanted to tour the local law enforcement center he said “yes!”  

Advocates told him every detail imaginable about the planned trip so there would be no surprises.   Ten minutes after being in the Law Enforcement center, Aiden began to relax and ask questions.   “My Dad is in jail.” he told one of the officers.   In a calm voice, the officer asked “What’s his name?”  The conversation began, and you could almost feel Aiden relax as he began to realize that police officers were not there to hurt him – they were there to help him.  The police were slowly becoming someone he could trust. 

About a month ago, Aiden’s Mom and Dad got into another fight.  Not knowing what to do, tired of all of the hurt, he started to cry, went upstairs, and called 9-1-1.   Aiden’s Daddy is his “hero,” and calling the police to prevent his Dad from hurting his Mom was huge step forward in ending the cycle of violence in Aiden’s home. 

The police came and arrested his father for domestic assault.  A couple of days after the arrest, staff called law enforcement and asked if they would go back to the home and visit Aiden.  This time the visit was all about the little boy – to tell him they were proud of him, and to explain that it must have been hard to call 9-1-1, but that if he ever needs to call again, he can. 

This past December Aiden went holiday shopping with the local police department for “Shop With A Cop Day.”  They snapped a picture of the group of kids and cops – and in the back row is Aiden - with a big smile on his face, sitting on the shoulders of his new friend, Officer Marty Kelly. 

HOPE’s team of advocates continue to work with Aiden’s family (and others like them) in order to build a trusting and safe relationship that will lead to a life of non-violence.  We help kids like Aiden understand that child abuse is not their fault, and that when they become parents they can chose a life free of abuse for their own children.  By planting seeds of information and hope in the minds of these children, we are helping to break the cycle of violence.  

My name is Maria, and I am homeless.

In October, Maria walked over two miles with her three children in a stroller to get to find help.  She had a car, but no money for gas and the tank had been on empty for three weeks.  She had been trying to find a job for months, but had limited skills and no prospects. 

This was Maria’s story when she walked through HOPE’s doors in October. After dealing with Maria’s most immediate crises (gas for her car, food for her cupboards and diapers for her two youngest children), JoAnn from HOPE’s Supportive Housing Services program worked with Maria on increasing her skills so she would be more employable. JoAnn accompanied Maria to Social Services where she met with a case worker and was able to sign up for health insurance and food stamps. JoAnn also helped Maria apply for subsidized housing. Thanks to JoAnn and HOPE’s Housing Support Services Program, Maria now has her own apartment within walking distance of her new job in downtown Red Wing. Her children are healthy and happy, and for the first time since before she met Travis, Maria has the self-confidence to know that she can make it on her own.

“My boyfriend, Travis, and I have been dating since high school.  We have three kids: Jason, 3; Aubrey, 2; and Mariah, 6 month.  When I became pregnant with Jason, my boyfriend started to become verbally and physically abusive.  It took me three years to get the courage to leave him, but not until he was arrested and we lost our apartment from too many noise complaints.  Our neighbors could hear me screaming and begging for him to stop hurting me.  I guess they thought they were helping by calling the police.  He is still in jail.  He has a roof over his head and food to eat, but we are homeless and hungry.  We are doubled up with family while I look for a job.  I have turned in over 65 job applications and haven’t received one interview.  I am beginning to lose hope."

Jennifer thought suicide was her only way out.

Jennifer began dating Jim when they were in the 5th grade.  What began as holding hands and passing notes back and forth developed into a serious relationship by their senior year.  Over the years Jim became possessive and quick to anger.  In 6th grade he began yelling at Jennifer.  In 7th grade he pushed her.  In 8th grade he punched her for the first time, but not the last. 

Jennifer’s parents never suspected a thing.  Jennifer was good at hiding bruises and masking her emotional pain - until her senior year.  While at a party with friends, Jim accused Jennifer of “flirting” with one of his friends.  Jim became enraged and lost control.  Classmates had to step in to prevent him from severely beating Jennifer with his fists.  The police were called and Jim was arrested. 

That night Jennifer tried to kill herself.  She was admitted and released from the hospital for overdosing on over-the-counter pain medication.  After a month of counseling with limited progress, Jennifer’s mom, Mary Ellen, became desperate.  Jennifer was sullen and withdrawn.  Jim had been released on bond and Mary Ellen suspected that he had been contacting Jennifer.  Mary Ellen brought Jennifer in to the HOPE Outreach Office to file a Harassment Restraining Order on Jim on behalf of her daughter.  Jennifer didn’t want a restraining order, but legally her mom had the right to file on her behalf because she was a minor.  While Mary Ellen was meeting with Staci, one of HOPE’s Legal Advocates, Jennifer was introduced to Susan, HOPE’s children’s program manager. 

Susan talked with Jennifer for over an hour.  At first Jennifer refused to speak, but eventually she broke down in tears.  “I can’t sleep, I don’t feel safe and I hate myself.  He has total control over me - I might as well die” Jennifer told Susan.  Jim had been stopping by her house and threatening her while her parents were at work.  Susan talked with Jennifer about her experience with dating violence and helped Jennifer create a safety plan.  Susan invited Jennifer to participate in a weekly support group - and Jennifer came.  Every week.  At group, Jennifer made weekly goals for herself about making healthy choices, self-care, and keeping safe.  Jennifer made a list of the things she wanted in a partner (honesty, kindness, a good sense of humor), and also a list of what she didn’t (controlling, jealous, demeaning.)  For the first time, she was completely honest with her mom about what was going on, and learned to use her mom for support instead of seeing her as “meddling.”

It has now been two years.  Jennifer is attending college at the U of M, and is in a healthy and supportive relationship with a young man she met in class.  “We argue, but it’s a healthy argument.  We disagree, but I’m not afraid of him - and that’s a new feeling for me.” 

Susan and the other children’s advocates still hear from Jennifer every few months.  She calls just to “check in” and let them know what is new in her life.  “I just want to let them know that I am okay, that I am making healthy choices, and that I haven’t forgotten them or how they helped me.”

Jennifer is one of over 300 youth served by HOPE Coalition every year.  These youth receive personal advocacy and lifelong mentoring to help them break the cycle of abuse.   

Daniel’s home was his sleeping bag.

In June, a 31 year-old man named Daniel wandered into the Friendship House looking for help.  Originally from Wisconsin, Daniel had been homeless for the past nine years.  He had spent the last two traveling around the Midwest, hoping to find a place to call home.  He had one friend left – someone in Red Wing, and this was Daniel’s last chance at a “normal” life.  He had arrived the day before and spent the night on his friend’s living room floor – his first night indoors in over two months.

Daniel grew up in an extremely violent home.  His father was an alcoholic who physically and sexually abused both Daniel and his two sisters.  When Daniel was 16, his mother kicked him out of the house for “standing up for himself.”  Both Daniel’s parents suffered from persistent mental health issues.  Mental illness is often genetic, and Daniel was not an exception.  Daniel suffers from schizophrenia, paranoid delusions, and psychoses.   On bad days, he fantasizes about taking his own life, and on good days he consumes himself by reading books to escape from the life he is living. 

The day Daniel first entered the Friendship House he was having a “bad day.”  Just like most of the clients we see, Daniel didn’t really know what to ask for – he just wanted someone to listen to his story. 

JoAnn, our Housing Support Services program director, talked with him for three hours.  Daniel opened up and spoke to JoAnn about the abuse in his past, his family, his wanderings, his mental health issues – and his loss of hope. 

Over the past nine months JoAnn has spent many hours with Daniel.  With JoAnn’s support and encouragement Daniel has been able to create a new life for himself in our community.  With assistance from HOPE Coalition, Daniel has begun counseling, obtained medication for his mental illness, and has leased a one-bedroom apartment.  He has been in his new home for over three months – the longest period of time he’s had the same roof over his head for the past nine years.  Daniel has also joined a local church, which has given him considerable strength and hope on his “bad” days.  He has found a circle of people to support him, and now has mostly “good” days.

JoAnn continues to see Daniel – not because he is in crisis, but because she is part of his circle of support.  He stops in 2-3 times per week to update JoAnn on his progress, and is greeted with a smiling face and compassionate eyes.  Because of HOPE Coalition, for the first time in his life Daniel is healthy, safe…and happy.  And for the first time in nine years, Daniel has an apartment to call home, not just a sleeping bag. 

There are many stories like Daniel’s.  For every Daniel we help, there are 10 more living in our community, too scared or ashamed to seek help.